Healing After a Breakup

I recently conducted a short survey on Reddit to find out what causes the most pain after a breakup. The majority of respondents said that the hardest part is missing the time spent together. Interestingly, this reason is closely linked to the second most common response—fear of the future.

In this post, I’ll share deeper insights and practical advice on how to move through the pain caused by these feelings more quickly.

The Feeling of Inner Emptiness

Most of us don’t know how to love ourselves with the same deep, genuine love that we give to others. Because of this, we subconsciously seek someone who can fill that gap for us. When we find them, we pour so much of ourselves into the relationship, and in return, we feel more whole because their love fills us up.

For a relationship to stay balanced, the amount of love given and received needs to be somewhat equal. If this balance is off, one partner may start feeling emotionally drained over time, giving more than they receive. As a result, both partners—and the relationship itself—begin to change for the worse. If deeper issues remain unresolved, love often fades, leading to a breakup.

The more we invest ourselves in our partners, the greater the emptiness we feel when they leave. It can feel as if they’ve taken a piece of us with them. This period of emptiness is often the most painful.

But at the same time, it opens up a huge opportunity to recognize our behavioral patterns, which are often shaped by deep emotional wounds. This is the best time to heal them and learn to love yourself more.

Once you’ve healed and truly let go of your ex, you’ll notice that the painful emptiness disappears. Instead, you’ll learn to fill yourself with the love you once tried to give to someone else. You’ll feel whole within yourself. And when you do meet someone new, they won’t be there to fill a void but to share love and joy with you.

When you truly love yourself and feel complete, you no longer need your partner to always be around to feel okay. You feel just as good on your own as you do in their company. And you no longer fear losing them—because if they leave, they won’t be taking a piece of your heart with them.

This deep sense of inner fulfillment and freedom is the foundation of the healthiest romantic relationships.

The Healing Power of Memories

When we experience emotional emptiness, we instinctively seek out things that can help us cope with the pain. Neuroscientific research shows that recalling positive experiences can actually soften emotional pain. When we lose someone, our brain naturally looks for ways to reduce suffering—one of them being revisiting happy memories, which can bring a temporary sense of joy.

Memories also help us maintain an emotional connection, in a way prolonging the relationship within us. However, if they prevent us from moving forward, we need to consciously work on integrating them into our present reality.

One reason we hold on to happy memories for too long is the subconscious fear that we’ll never experience such beautiful moments again. That we won’t meet someone as wonderful as our ex. This can lead us to idealize the past, forgetting the parts of the relationship that were difficult or painful.

While positive memories can bring moments of comfort, they can also deepen our pain. To make them truly healing rather than hurtful, we need to shift our perspective. Instead of seeing the past as something lost, try to appreciate it as a meaningful experience that enriched you, and helped become a better person.

And don’t forget—losing someone you love teaches you to appreciate what you have. Knowing that good things don’t last forever helps you cherish love, presence, and time spent together even more. This is an incredibly valuable lesson for future relationships.

How to Help Yourself Heal

Write a letter to your ex.

• Thank them for the time you spent together and the lessons you learned.
• Apologize if you feel there’s anything you regret.
• Most importantly, forgive them for anything that hurt you. This isn’t for them—it’s for you. Only by forgiving can you truly move on.

Once you’ve finished the letter, burn or tear it up. This helps release the emotions tied to it. You may feel the need to write another letter later, and that’s completely okay—write as many as you need.

Write down your favorite shared moments and what they taught you.
Every partner we have is one of our greatest teachers. Understanding the lessons you’ve learned can make it easier to let go.

Release heavy emotions.
One of the most effective ways to do this is to simply cry it out. Here’s more information on how to do this in a healthy way.

Identify the deeper reasons behind your attachment to your ex.
The following set of questions will help you reflect and gain clarity on why you can still hold on.

Instruction

Plan to spend at least an hour on your answers.

Ensure that you can respond without being disturbed by anyone.

Before answering, be calm, take a deep breath, and concentrate.

Answer each question in as much detail as possible, pulling the answers from the depths of the soul (superficial answering will not be effective).

Be sincere and open with yourself. These answers are only for you, no one will need to show them.

If emotions (anger, sadness, pain, pity, etc.) begin to arise when answering questions, allow yourself to feel them. Do not suppress a single emotion. Just feel them rushing out of your body and let them come out like a fountain current.

Self-Reflection Questionnaire

1. What is the most painful part of this situation for you? Why?

2. Could you have done something differently to maintain this connection? If so, what?

3. Could your partner have done something differently? If so, what?

4. Do you feel guilty about the relationship breaking down? Why?

5. Are you blaming your partner? Why?

6. What have you learned from this relationship? How has it changed you as a person?

7. In what situations were you hurt the most? Why?

8. How did you react to them? Why?

9. What traits of your ex annoyed you the most? Why?

10. What were your past romantic relationships like?

11. Do you notice any recurring patterns with previous partners? If so, what are they?

12. Where do you think these patterns come from?

13. What was your childhood like?

14. What painful experiences from childhood do you remember?

15. How do those experiences still affect you today?

16. As a child, did you feel loved and important?

17. How do you feel about this now?

18. What does self-love mean to you? On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love for yourself? Why?

19. What are the most important insights you've gained from answering these questions?